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Boudoir furnished

I need to start by saying I love mum in law. But that hasn’t always been the case. She can be quite judgemental and there was no way I was good enough for her little Prince. It didn’t seem to matter what I did – and I did loads – she couldn’t get her over the fact I worked in an exotic dance club. As a waitress I should point out!

A couple of years after I married her son we offered to help redecorate their living room and she made some jibe about how I’d be a dab hand at stripping. Seriously. I couldn’t stand for it. But rather than upset my husband I bit my tongue. My time would come. Anyway, she wasn’t so moralistic that she didn’t accept my help and so the pillar box red feature wall was mine.

I thought I’d be satisfied by writing profanities with the paint brush and it still makes me chuckle to think ‘tosser’ is immortalised behind the aquarium. But that’s not why I’m seeking forgiveness….

Some weeks after my work were having a refit and all the old stuff being thrown. Staff were welcome to take what they wanted. Although no one seemed particularly keen to take their mementos. But I was.

Instantly I knew exactly where those plush velour cushions could go. A quick fabreeze and they you’d never know that a decades worth of men had been entertained and loved on them.

So, bagged up in an old John Lewis carrier I presented the to my mother-in-law. She was delighted, if not a little shocked at my spontaneous generosity. They fitted the two chairs either side of the fireplace like they were made for them. And they’re still there today. 12 years later.

Since that day we’ve got on much better. I think she saw this as an olive branch, rather than the poisoned chalice it was. And that, Fess, is why I am asking forgiveness, our good feeling is based on my act of revenge. Will you absolve me?